Somethings Never Change

On the other hand, many things do. Hunter is now a daddy and, henceforth, I have been blessed with a little nephew who is the most outrageously cute baby.

Photos for Proof

But anyway those are from March and hardly recent and he is now way bigger and even more cute (if possible).

Just because our lives have changed, doesn't mean weird random things don't still happen to us. Like the night we were at his parents restaurant after-hours with just family and a very tipsy couple of 40 somethings strolled into our reunion and demanded take out. And by strolled I mean tripped and stumbled and almost took a right-nasty fall. The woman then proceeded to interrogate about us about the baby for no apparent reason.

Ah, people. How you entertain.

Hunter now works in sales which will most likely provide a number of stories about ridiculous customers and their crazy ways. And I, have moved somewhat recently and came down to my car yesterday morning to find a nasty note criticizing my parking skills left for me by the VERY elderly woman who parks next to me. She habitually clubs the steering wheel of her '90's Dodge Intrepid despite the fact that we park in a secured garage and two cars down in either direction you can find a new Mercedes or other such luxury vehicle. I hope when I am old I have a young neighbor to harass and criticize, just to keep my life interesting.

Katie Threatens School Group...

"katie caddle" (10:40:52 PM): they are so not going to last

huntertvincent (10:40:58 PM): better yet, they all fit in together

"katie caddle" (10:40:59 PM): i will vom on them

"katie caddle" (10:41:06 PM): they need to go away

huntertvincent (10:41:06 PM): haha

huntertvincent (10:41:09 PM): vomit?

"katie caddle" (10:41:10 PM): to another school

"katie caddle" (10:41:12 PM): YA

huntertvincent (10:41:15 PM): hahahahaha

"katie caddle" (10:41:23 PM): EXCEPT THAT MIGHT EXCITE THEMMMM

"katie caddle" (10:41:41 PM): sick freaks

Slightly Odd Applebee's Customer

I was out and about with my good friend Mark the other day when he relayed this story of a recent experience at his job. He's a server at a local Applebee's and the story was so good I felt it needed to be posted.

So sometime last week, I'm working the lunch shift. A family of a Mom, Dad and set of triplets walks in and is seated in my section. They look to be the normal Applebee's-going crowd with the exception of the three identical children.

However, before I can greet the table, one of my fellow servers approaches me and asks, "Have you ever waited on them before?"

I respond that I have never seen them before and that they're a hard group to miss. He continues.

"Well, I'm warning you now...they won't tip you in cash. The woman will tip you in old magazines and toothpaste. She does it to everyone."

What? I'm sorry...come again? Surely, he's not serious.

As if to prove to him I am worthy of a cash tip and that he just sucks, I provide excellent service. Applebee's is quiet and I can afford to show some extra attention to the family. Mom orders a salad, Dad orders an entree and the kids share one kids meal. The bill comes to just over $25.00.

Appropriate tipping in this situation, by societal norms, would be around $5. However, because this is Applebee's, I should expect more along the lines of $3.75.

I present the bill, the family pays in cash and leaves the change. Yes, I have prevailed. I am more awesomer than my fellow server. Let's go retreive the checkbook and pocket the spoils...

The spoils include a half-consumed tube of Colgate toothpaste and two copies of Women's Health from 2005. Super.

Momma Said Don't Talk to Strangers...

Flying on airplanes is monotonous, one must create their own fun. For most, this includes bringing along a good novel or making sure the Ipod is charged. However, being an ADD child, I am bored by these things. Air travel should be exciting and memorable. Boy did I get my wish.

Here's the gameplan for my travels:
1. Check in and go through security. Stare down as many people as possible. Make them wonder about you. Secretly wonder about them. Admire cute babies.

2. Sit at your gate in an open area and let the people come to you. (Unless you've picked out a prime individual already, which is unlikely)

3. Let said stranger sit next to you and banter. Try to see how many times you can make them laugh. Ask specific questions. Befriend stranger.

4. If no friend is made at the gate, do not lose hope! Check out the people in you row. Screen for potential friend candidates. Befriend stranger.

5. Try to find out as much about them as possible. Make them remember you. Getting a business card is the ultimate goldstandard of airplane friendship.

Now, in my particular travels from Cleveland to Manchester you will notice that protocol was not followed. I firmly believe this is why the experience was such a disaster.

The night before my departure was like no other. I was in quite a state. I was still in a bit of a state when I woke up to leave. Before heading to the airport I was persuaded that it would be best to eat something. My stomach felt like burning acidic shrink wrap gone wrong. I ate a piece of cheese and drank a Coke Zero.

Mid-security check stare down, I started to take a turn for the worse. I didnt think I was going to make it through the line without getting sick or passing out or both. Finally, I was through and off to my gate. The farthest one, naturally.

Now I wasn't exactly late, but I didnt have my usual 2 hours of anticipation so i was hurrying along when all of the sudden the tounge-swelly, mouth-puckery feeling of devastation came over me so I darted off to the nearest trash can and almost puked in my Coach purse by accident. Bunches of people are walking by me like it was nothing. But it wasnt nothing, it was like a full body effort to expel any gastric contents that I had ever consumed in my entire lifetime. And I was crying. This real geeky guy walked by and paused, staring at me. I tried to smile and he said, "Do you want some water?" And I said "No thank you" but I was thinking "WTF water increases nausea" Once the worst had passed I looked down and realized there was blood all over the place and I just about had a conniption at the thought of vomiting blood.

At this point everyone becomes interested in me. Turns out it was just my nose bleeding but suddenly everyone wanted to help me out. The security guard tried to call rescue and some woman gave me an ice cube for my nose but I had become very aware of my lateness and hurried off to my gate.

Gate is crowded. I avoid all eyes. I feel like crap.

Southwest has a "no assigned seats" policy where you wait in line and its first come first serve. There was no way I was going to stand in another line but it didnt matter much because I was in the first boarding group and had ample seat selection. I chose the most isolated undesirable seat to purposely avoid others.

And then I hear a voice "Hello again!" It was the geeky man. Verrry awkward guy. I decided, what the hell, I'll be nice. Initially, conversation centered around my well-being.

"What's wrong with you?"
"I'm not doing so good."

*Pause while he looks me over and tries to decide which terminal illness I may have*

I knew what he was thinking. God knows I should have just told him I was recovering from a rough night. But once I told him I didnt know why I was sick, that maybe it was the flu, I didnt want to have to go back and admit that I hadnt wanted to tell the truth.

"Are you pregnant?"
"Excuse me?"
"Is that why you were crying?"
"NO!"

I managed to drift off at this point. I'm sure I looked like hell. I imagine he thought I deserved the beauty sleep.

I awoke suddenly. Dear lord. My stomach. I looked at him wordlessly with my swollen tounge and puckered cheeks and he sprang to action, grabbing a barf bag and holding it in front of my face while I held my hair back.

Gross stranger. Why would you do that to yourself? Why why why that is so gross.

"You're sure that you're not pregant??"

After this, he seemed to think he was my caretaker. He fed me a snack. When we unboarded the plane I went to the bathroom. I came out to find him waiting for me. Creepy? Yes. He took me to a newsstand and insisted on buying me a water. Now we are on some sort of a twisted airport date. Obviously, since he had a 4 hour layover he wanted to wait with me until my plane left.

All I wanted to do was sleep. He could tell. We sat at a little table and waited.

"Are you addicted to dope?"

*Stunned silence*

"If you dont want to tell me it's okay. I know that's personal. I went through a really tough for years, struggling with addiction. I know what it feels like to need a fix."

Ohmygodhelp911 save me from this stranger.

I moved towards my gate. Closer to the crowd of people. He told me to rest, take a nap. I laid there and pretended to sleep while secretly staring at him and keeping a very close eye on my purses. I'm getting ready to board. To fly away from the stranger, Bob, and feel safe again. He starts to talk about judging the character of people. I start to think about how I should rethink my ability to judge the character of people. He tells me I have something special. That he knows what secret characteristic defines me as an individual. I ask what he thinks that is. He replies as if I would be seeing him tomorrow saying something about how I will be enlightened in due time.

An awkward moment passes. I board my plane to New Hampshire. I do not speak to anyone on the plane. No more chances. You just never know with strangers. Too bad Hunter wasnt there to save me. Or to laugh at me while Stranger Bob interrogated me about my impending pregnancy.

pirate???

"katie caddle" (4:26:31 PM): i lubber you my pirate huntz

huntertvincent (4:26:40 PM): pirate???

"katie caddle" (4:26:45 PM): yes well

"katie caddle" (4:26:46 PM): lubber

"katie caddle" (4:26:50 PM): reminds

"katie caddle" (4:26:59 PM): it makes sense inside my head i swearrrrrr

huntertvincent (4:27:40 PM): hahahahahaha

huntertvincent (4:27:44 PM): awesome

Coming Soon!

"Momma Said Don't Talk to Strangers" the true-life tale of my travel home from Cleveland last month.

Hunter gets jumped.

This has been the first week of summer. I’ve moved back to my parents’ neighborhood on the near west side of downtown Cleveland where I’m renting. I love summer with the exception that Katie and I have been separated. Gasp! Yes, Katie has moved back to Maine for the summer. Does this mean that, due to our separation, random stupidity no longer exists in our individual lives?

Hardly.

A large part of my summer is to be spent working. One job I have is at a restaurant about a 10 minute walk from my house called The Flying Fig (www.theflyingfig.com). After a conversation with one of my managers last week at the restaurant, it had been determined that I would be working Wednesday, today, at 4:00. I walked over as the weather was decent. When I got there I realized I had actually not been scheduled. Awesome, a night with nothing planned. No complaints.

With nothing else to do at four in the afternoon, I started walking back to my house. As I don’t have an ipod, I use my sidekick to listen to music whenever I walk places. I was fiddling with it when I notice a car with three black kids inside drive past and make deliberate eye contact. Weird.

I’ve lived in the neighborhood for several years and never had a problem. I dismissed it as maybe… mistaking me for someone they knew?

Still, better safe than sorry, right? So instead of taking my usual route behind the local grocer, I decided to cut across the store’s busy parking lot. As I was exiting the parking lot I saw the same car had circled the block and was now pulling in. They yelled out the window to someone they knew. Whatever.

By this point, I’m walking down a relatively busy street. It’s lined with homes and an occasional restaurant, including my parents’ restaurant about two blocks in front of me. There’s a older black guy walking down the street with his toddler daughter. The randomness of the kids in the car is still running through my mind so I look around just to evaluate where I’m at, if there’s anyone else around, where can I run, etc.

Keep in mind, it’s still bright daylight out and I’m on a busy street surrounded by houses. What could possibly happen?

Famous last words.

I’m listening to music, I’ve got my sidekick out, probably texting, when the same car pulls up and parks across the street. I only see one person get out from the corner of my eye. He runs up to me saying he wants to ask me a question.

For those who have sensitive vocabulary, the following bit may be a bit offensive…it gets a little explicit.

“Hey! Yo! I wanna ask yuh a question! Hold up bro, lemme ask ya somethin.”

Kid 1 is maybe 17 and wearing a hoodie. I continue you walking but I say I’m listening.

“Yo dog, stop man.”

“What is it?”

“You know my nigga Jonny?”

Jonny who? Why would I, some random white kid you’ve never met, know your nigga Jonny? Polite as always, I reply with:

“No dude, sorry.”

“Hey man, stop. We’re uhh… conductin a investigation.” He pauses. “So yeah, put your hands up.”

What?! He has no gun and he’s obviously not in law enforcement. Kid 2 and kid 3 are now out of the car and standing behind me. This isn’t looking so great. I still remain optimistic, however. Maybe it’s because I know I have nothing in my wallet to steal…

“Fuck no, I’m not putting my hands up!”

This is when it gets a little blurred for me. I’ll try to convey the following as best as possible:

Kid 2 grabs me from behind so that I can’t go anywhere while kid 1 goes for the Sidekick. For some reason he just grabs it thinking he can simply take it from my hands. I, however, have just spent $110 that I didn’t have on replacing this phone and have no intentions of giving it up (my exact thoughts at the time). While this struggle takes place, kid 3 is standing guard and kid 2 has his hands all over my ass. He is groping me.

Are these assholes robbing me or sexually assaulting me?

Kid 1 loses his struggle for the phone so as an alternative throws me in a headlock. Kid 2, I realize, is attempting to find where my pockets are to steal my wallet (why this was such a process, I’m not sure). Kid 3 is still watching. I get out of his weak headlock while managing to keep my wallet in my pocket. A small wrestling match ensues where it’s just me holding on to my stuff with one kid making sexual advances on my ass with his hands and another kid trying to steal my phone. Two black kids against one, 150 pound white kid.

Something’s not right here. I’m not in pain and I have all of my stuff. Are these kids total n00bs?

I get shoved up against a fence, take a fist to the jaw and the wrestling continues. At this point, I just want to sit on the ground so kid 2 will stop groping me. Kid 1 has put me back in a headlock, only this time I’m facing him. What do I do? I swing for his balls, of course.

His pants sag too low for me to hit anything. Fuck.

Still, he gets the idea and lets go. I immediately sit on the ground and kid 2 backs off. Suddenly there’s another set of feet. It’s the Black Dad with his daughter. Awesome.

“Hey! Move on now! Do you want to go to jail?! From one brotha to another, leave this kid alone.”

Kid 2 blurts, “He called us niggers!”

Oh bitch, no you didn’t…

“Are you fucking kidding me?! No I didn’t!!! I was walking home and they fucking jumped me!” I’m back on my feet now and thinking maybe Dad has helped me out.

Nope.

I turn to see kid 1 swinging for my face. He hits me on the left side of my head and proceeds to take on his best fighting stance. He makes his fists like a six year old girl. Before I can react, kid 2 has his hands back in my pocket trying to grab my wallet. This was getting old so I shoved an elbow in his face. He didn’t like that very much.

Kid 1 grabs me and throws me to the ground and kicks me in the shin once or twice. Why would you kick me in the shin? Not the stomach or the head. The shin.

Black Dad has now become more proactive and they let up. Amongst various explicit remarks and complaints they walk off and I dash into the restaurant that’s literally two houses down. Thanks Black Dad, you’re my hero.

I wait for them to drive off, wait a couple more minutes, and then sprint down to my parents’ place.

As the evening went on, I realized a couple things. I’m not complaining but it was apparent these kids had either never done this before or just simply sucked at jumping people. I’m no expert on robbing people but there seemed to be some elemental flaws in their attempt:

-First, busy streets in the middle of the afternoon is not the best setting for robbing someone. Pretty basic.

-Second, when trying to rob someone, if you’re going to tell them to put their hands up, either have a gun or make it look like you do. Generally speaking, you know you’ve failed this step if the person effectively says “fuck you” and refuses.

-Third, if you’re going to mug them, it’s important to actually kick their ass. Usually, in the crime world, it doesn’t look good when a scrawny white kid can hold off two black kids at the same time. On the same note, when trying to restrain your victim, a loose headlock is not the best option.

-Finally, actually steal something. Ideally, the person shouldn’t even be able to hold on to the items in question. Either you threaten him and he hands it all over or you kick his ass mercilessly and then take the shit. If you suck too badly to accomplish either of these steps (repeatedly), you should probably stop robbing people.

The end result was some bruising, a broken set of headphones and a retarded story. I think this story is one I’m glad Katie was NOT there for…