Momma Said Don't Talk to Strangers...

Flying on airplanes is monotonous, one must create their own fun. For most, this includes bringing along a good novel or making sure the Ipod is charged. However, being an ADD child, I am bored by these things. Air travel should be exciting and memorable. Boy did I get my wish.

Here's the gameplan for my travels:
1. Check in and go through security. Stare down as many people as possible. Make them wonder about you. Secretly wonder about them. Admire cute babies.

2. Sit at your gate in an open area and let the people come to you. (Unless you've picked out a prime individual already, which is unlikely)

3. Let said stranger sit next to you and banter. Try to see how many times you can make them laugh. Ask specific questions. Befriend stranger.

4. If no friend is made at the gate, do not lose hope! Check out the people in you row. Screen for potential friend candidates. Befriend stranger.

5. Try to find out as much about them as possible. Make them remember you. Getting a business card is the ultimate goldstandard of airplane friendship.

Now, in my particular travels from Cleveland to Manchester you will notice that protocol was not followed. I firmly believe this is why the experience was such a disaster.

The night before my departure was like no other. I was in quite a state. I was still in a bit of a state when I woke up to leave. Before heading to the airport I was persuaded that it would be best to eat something. My stomach felt like burning acidic shrink wrap gone wrong. I ate a piece of cheese and drank a Coke Zero.

Mid-security check stare down, I started to take a turn for the worse. I didnt think I was going to make it through the line without getting sick or passing out or both. Finally, I was through and off to my gate. The farthest one, naturally.

Now I wasn't exactly late, but I didnt have my usual 2 hours of anticipation so i was hurrying along when all of the sudden the tounge-swelly, mouth-puckery feeling of devastation came over me so I darted off to the nearest trash can and almost puked in my Coach purse by accident. Bunches of people are walking by me like it was nothing. But it wasnt nothing, it was like a full body effort to expel any gastric contents that I had ever consumed in my entire lifetime. And I was crying. This real geeky guy walked by and paused, staring at me. I tried to smile and he said, "Do you want some water?" And I said "No thank you" but I was thinking "WTF water increases nausea" Once the worst had passed I looked down and realized there was blood all over the place and I just about had a conniption at the thought of vomiting blood.

At this point everyone becomes interested in me. Turns out it was just my nose bleeding but suddenly everyone wanted to help me out. The security guard tried to call rescue and some woman gave me an ice cube for my nose but I had become very aware of my lateness and hurried off to my gate.

Gate is crowded. I avoid all eyes. I feel like crap.

Southwest has a "no assigned seats" policy where you wait in line and its first come first serve. There was no way I was going to stand in another line but it didnt matter much because I was in the first boarding group and had ample seat selection. I chose the most isolated undesirable seat to purposely avoid others.

And then I hear a voice "Hello again!" It was the geeky man. Verrry awkward guy. I decided, what the hell, I'll be nice. Initially, conversation centered around my well-being.

"What's wrong with you?"
"I'm not doing so good."

*Pause while he looks me over and tries to decide which terminal illness I may have*

I knew what he was thinking. God knows I should have just told him I was recovering from a rough night. But once I told him I didnt know why I was sick, that maybe it was the flu, I didnt want to have to go back and admit that I hadnt wanted to tell the truth.

"Are you pregnant?"
"Excuse me?"
"Is that why you were crying?"
"NO!"

I managed to drift off at this point. I'm sure I looked like hell. I imagine he thought I deserved the beauty sleep.

I awoke suddenly. Dear lord. My stomach. I looked at him wordlessly with my swollen tounge and puckered cheeks and he sprang to action, grabbing a barf bag and holding it in front of my face while I held my hair back.

Gross stranger. Why would you do that to yourself? Why why why that is so gross.

"You're sure that you're not pregant??"

After this, he seemed to think he was my caretaker. He fed me a snack. When we unboarded the plane I went to the bathroom. I came out to find him waiting for me. Creepy? Yes. He took me to a newsstand and insisted on buying me a water. Now we are on some sort of a twisted airport date. Obviously, since he had a 4 hour layover he wanted to wait with me until my plane left.

All I wanted to do was sleep. He could tell. We sat at a little table and waited.

"Are you addicted to dope?"

*Stunned silence*

"If you dont want to tell me it's okay. I know that's personal. I went through a really tough for years, struggling with addiction. I know what it feels like to need a fix."

Ohmygodhelp911 save me from this stranger.

I moved towards my gate. Closer to the crowd of people. He told me to rest, take a nap. I laid there and pretended to sleep while secretly staring at him and keeping a very close eye on my purses. I'm getting ready to board. To fly away from the stranger, Bob, and feel safe again. He starts to talk about judging the character of people. I start to think about how I should rethink my ability to judge the character of people. He tells me I have something special. That he knows what secret characteristic defines me as an individual. I ask what he thinks that is. He replies as if I would be seeing him tomorrow saying something about how I will be enlightened in due time.

An awkward moment passes. I board my plane to New Hampshire. I do not speak to anyone on the plane. No more chances. You just never know with strangers. Too bad Hunter wasnt there to save me. Or to laugh at me while Stranger Bob interrogated me about my impending pregnancy.